One of the scariest parts of dating a narcissist is being deceived by the illusion of who you thought they were.
A narcissist, by definition, is “extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. True narcissists frequently disregard others and their feelings.” But narcissism, I’ve learned, goes way beyond that definition.
While narcissism is a trait, it can also be classified as a personality disorder. Some narcissistic behaviors include manipulation, a constant need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and an overall sense of entitlement or arrogance.
It’s tough to spot a narcissist early on in a relationship because they are experts at manipulation. At first, they’ll hold you on a pedestal and make you feel like the most important person in the world. They’ll hide under their mask, pretending to come across as ‘charming’ or extremely admirable on the outside. But as time passes, their true colors will start to bleed through.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is emotionally draining. Narcissists thrive on attention and admiration, doing whatever it takes to feed their ego. This includes gaslighting, criticism, and taking advantage of their partner for their own personal gain. Dating a narcissist for years changed me in ways I couldn’t fully understand at the time. Here are important lessons I learned from dating a narcissist:
I Learned You Should Never Have To Prove Your Worth To Somebody
This was a lesson I learned the hard way. Before this relationship, I had never been exposed to narcissism, so it was hard for me to wrap my brain around and comprehend what I was experiencing.
Since a narcissist thrives on constant praise and admiration, they’ll always put their needs above yours. They seek validation from their partners because they can never find it within themselves. At the beginning of a relationship, they’ll go out of their way to impress and please you. They’ll carefully and intently listen to you, trying to soak up as much information as they can. But as the relationship progresses, those behaviors become short-lived, and they’ll use the same information they gained about you, against you.
A relationship with a narcissist is exhausting because they’re skilled at making you feel like you can’t function without them. They’ll disregard your feelings and emotions, trying to convince you that you’re worthless without their ‘love’. What I learned from being in a relationship with a narcissist is that you should never have to prove your worth to somebody, and you should never have to beg somebody to love you the right way.
A healthy relationship won’t gaslight you into believing that you deserve how you’re feeling, and it won’t ever make you question or doubt your reality. A narcissist’s lack of empathy will have you questioning your self-worth, but know that who you are is always enough. Nobody should ever make you feel less of who you are.
I Learned That A Repeated Mistake Is Never A Mistake, It’s A Decision
We all make mistakes—it’s part of our human nature. But when somebody repeatedly makes the same ‘mistake’, it’s no longer a mistake. It’s a decision and a choice that they consciously choose to make.
We try to hold onto the person that we thought we knew or the potential that we feel the relationship can be, but the problem lies in learning how to accept that’s not always reality—especially with a narcissist.
I used to make more excuses than I could count, hoping that each apology would finally mean something and that things would be different. However, you can never want change for somebody more than they want it for themselves.
If somebody truly cares about you and loves you, they will never put you in a position where they could lose you. They won’t repeatedly make choices that they know would deeply hurt you, or even consider those choices in the first place. Repeated behavior without change is a clear indicator of a person’s true intentions.
Red flags will never turn green. And a narcissist won’t change their behavior, because they aren’t empathetic to anybody’s needs except for their own. If somebody promises to change without any intention of changing their behavior, they will never actually change.
I Learned To Trust My True Instincts
I’ll never forget how I felt the first night that my ex and I were ‘official’. While the relationship moved rather quickly, I can still remember the worst feeling I had in my gut, even though I couldn’t pinpoint why.
Your gut feeling and instincts always know the truth deep down. I ignored the deep pit in my gut because on the outside I didn’t think I had a reason to be concerned or have an ‘off’ feeling. After all, up until this point, everything in the relationship seemed perfect.
But as the months passed, my instinct turned out to be right all along. And even after that, I kept ignoring the red flags popping up. Eventually, things escalated to a point where it became emotionally and physically abusive, and I couldn’t deny the severity of what I was going through.
We want to believe what the people we love tell us because it’s hard to wrap our heads around the idea that they’d intentionally deceive us. But the hard reality about narcissists is that they’ll always twist the story and alter your perception to fit their own narrative.
Deep down, you’ll always have a sense of what’s right and wrong—and eventually, the truth will come out one way or another. A narcissist can only hide for so long; patterns will inevitably reveal their true intentions. When you have an off feeling, it’s your body trying to tell you something. Your instincts always know best, no matter what lies the narcissist tries to feed you.
I Learned That Love Isn’t Supposed To Hurt
This one should be obvious, right? But when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s easy to be misled by their deception.
The best advice I ever received was three simple words: Love shouldn’t hurt. Somebody who intentionally hurts you doesn’t truly love you in the way you deserve. True love is about sacrifice, commitment, respect, and empathy. It’s about honesty, and putting your needs first.
With a narcissist, your feelings are constantly put on the back burner and disregarded. You may find yourself in a constant state of feeling invalidated because they never truly care to listen to how you’re feeling and what you need. Instead, the relationship becomes a cycle of feeding their egotistical needs.
A narcissist will also use any and everything they can against you, pointing out your mistakes or blaming you for things they’ve done. The fingers are always directed at anybody but themselves, and they’ll always try to magnify your insecurities to the extreme. A healthy relationship will always bring out the best in you, not the worst. Their love won’t come at a ‘cost’ and it will never, ever hurt.
I Learned The Only Person You Can Save Is Yourself
I used to think I could help save people—hurting people specifically. I believed that if they could unpack their baggage and bury it far away, they would have a chance for a better future instead of remaining stuck in the same place they’d always been trapped.
But what I learned from dating a narcissist, is that you can’t save other people—you can only save yourself. You can never love somebody more than you love yourself, because doing so will only hurt you and tear you down in the end. One of the hardest parts about accepting the true nature of a narcissist is accepting that you can’t save them from themselves, only they can do that.
We stay longer in relationships than we should because we believe in the potential for change. We think that if we’re the best person that we can be, they’ll finally see their potential and become the person we think they can be. But you can’t force somebody to make better choices, and you can’t want a better future for somebody who isn’t willing to work towards changed behavior.
Although it was more than eight years ago, I’ll never forget the day that I cut off contact for good from the abusive relationship I was in with a narcissist. It finally clicked to me how long I had been trying to save someone other than myself, when I was the person who was drowning all along.
The manipulation and torment of feeling like I would never be okay without this person is what chained me to them for so long. But then a day came when I realized that I would be more than okay because I no longer had to tolerate abusive behavior from a narcissist. Sometimes the person who needs saving the most is yourself. You always deserve to be in a relationship that’s happy, healthy, and brings out the best in you.
After leaving a relationship with a narcissist, it will take time to learn how to trust again, especially when your reality has been distorted and twisted for so long. It might be awhile until you start to see the world in color again, but you’ll find glimpses of light along the way that will give you hope.
Regaining your peace and self-worth takes time, and sometimes it starts with putting one foot in front of another. You may not see the progress today, tomorrow, or a month from now. But one day, you will. And when that day comes, you’ll realize that your strength in pursuing a better future was worth every step. It’ll all be worth it to know that you are, in fact, more than okay.
If you or somebody you know is experiencing abuse, know that there are resources available to help. Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website here or contact them 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
