To me, there’s always been something incredibly special about a deep and strong friendship.
I’ve been fortunate enough throughout my life to have many different types of friendships; friends who have only been there for a season, through many life changes, and of course the friends who have been there through it all—the ones that I know no matter how much time or distance comes between us that we’ll always have each other.
But when I think about all the friendships as a whole, I realize how much each one has helped teach me something about myself that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. There have been ones who have picked me up at my lowest, the ones who have seen me through my dark and ‘messy’ stages, and the ones who I know were in my life to help me grow in some way—even if I couldn’t see it at the time.
The most important aspect of a deep and strong friendship is that no matter what happens, you know that they’ll always appreciate you for who you are. No matter the different life stages you’re in, what you’re experiencing, or the choices you do or don’t make; they’ll always lift you up when you’re down, and always support you through any and everything.
Through my own life experiences and the friendships I’ve had, here are some truths I’ve learned about deep and strong friendships:
They Always Support And Never Compare
I think one of the most selfless acts of a true and deep friendship, is being genuinely happy for the other person and their successes, no matter where either of you are in life.
There was a significant amount of time in my life when I constantly felt behind in comparison to where my friends were. When we limit ourselves to a box, we’ll feel confined by that box. I was trying to fit into places where I didn’t belong because I felt like everyone else was ahead of me, while I was still waiting for certain things to happen in my own life.
Most of my friends graduated before me, found jobs and houses before me, and were married before me. I couldn’t understand why all the things I was waiting for just simply weren’t happening. But once they finally did start happening, I learned one of the most important lessons of all: learning how to be happy for somebody else, even in the midst of waiting for what we want.
We each have different opportunities, perspectives, and life experiences. Even if something isn’t unfolding in the timing we think it will, it doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen. Sometimes it’s more about the journey of learning how to truly be happy with ourselves and others, before we can receive more.
A deep and strong friendship is never about comparison, it’s about support. It’s learning how to separate that space between comparing your current situation to where somebody else is, and truly being happy for them, no matter what is taking place in your own life.
They’ll Always Respectfully Tell You What You Need To Hear
Sometimes the truth is the last thing we want to hear, but often it’s what we need to hear.
When I was 23, I found myself in the worst relationship I’d ever been in. I became such a shell of a person that I barely even recognized who I was anymore. Throughout this time, I completely shoved any type of real friendship I had to the side, because I didn’t want the truth to confirm what I already knew: that I needed to find the strength to leave the dead-end, toxic relationship I was in.
After I reconnected with a friend I lost touch with, I remember her sincerely asking me why I didn’t come to her sooner. It was the truths within myself that I was having trouble admitting, the ones that I tried to bury because I didn’t know how to deal with them. I knew the right thing to do was to leave, but every part of me felt weak. I’ll never forget when she told me that she would’ve never made me feel guilty for my choices or decisions, but that she simply wished she could’ve been there for me sooner; if only to tell me that I deserved better, and I was stronger than I felt.
Facing our reality isn’t always easy, especially when we find ourselves in a situation that feels impossible to escape from. But what makes it easier is when we have that deep and strong friendship that is always there for us, and honest no matter what that entails. What we do with that honesty is up to us, but a deep and strong friendship is built on the intent of always being real and truthful.
They Actively Listen With The Intent To Understand
I created this website to remind people that their voice is always important, and it always matters.
A deep and strong friendship knows the importance of actively listening with the intent to understand what the other person is going through, rather than only listening to simply reply.
How many times have we found ourselves in a conversation where it feels completely one-sided? A deep and strong friendship encourages you to express your true thoughts, feelings, and emotions, while truly caring about what you have to say. When I was in that toxic relationship, my voice felt completely nonexistent. I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or express my feelings, because if I did, my opinions or feelings were wrong.
A friendship should never be one-sided, but rather somebody who actively listens to you and leaves you feeling validated, not ignored. A friendship or relationship isn’t solely about one person; it’s about equal sides of respect and encouragement to express how you feel without feeling like your opinions or feelings aren’t important.
They Accept You For Who You Are
A deep and strong friendship should never make you feel guilty for who you are, or try to change you as a person.
I remember talking to my mom when I was in college, and telling her how I was upset that I felt like one of my friends wasn’t there for me like I was there for them. It was then she stopped me and said: “You can’t change somebody, you have to accept them for who you are.” Which couldn’t be more true.
We have to accept people for who they are, without trying to change them into who we think they should be, just because it’s what we want or how we would act.
It’s not to say that we should accept mistreatment or poor behavior from others, but we have to learn to accept that we can’t alter the core of who somebody is. It isn’t fair for us to make people feel guilty for who they are, and we should never try to change them because their actions aren’t fitting our perception.
A deep and strong friendship accepts you exactly for who you are, flaws and all. They’ll never make you feel like less than who you are, and if they do, then you’ll know that maybe there isn’t room for them in your life like there once was.
They Flow With The Changes Of Life
If there’s one thing that’s significantly changed from my 20s to my 30s, it’s the nature of my friendships.
My 20s were full of trying to find my way through all the mistakes, choices, and life changes that were constantly happening, often with my friends by my side through all the ups and downs. But I’m finding out in the early years of my 30s, that these years are all about those choices and changes coming together, leading me exactly where I’m meant to be. And what comes with that is the acceptance that you won’t always be on the same page (or even the same chapter) as the people or friendships in your life.
But a true, deep, and strong friendship flows with the changes of life, not against it. I’m at the point in my life where I’m done trying to fit in spaces where I don’t belong anymore. Or maybe not even belong, but in the places where I feel like I’m trying to force my way through.
The hardest part about change is change itself; and sometimes no matter how bad we want something to stay the same, it’ll change regardless if we’re ready for it or not. A strong friendship accepts that your relationship might not always be the same, but they appreciate what was and what will be. They understand that life gets busy and things change, but that your friendship is stronger and deeper than any changes that might come your way. The effort is equally put in, and you both know how important it is to flow with the changes of life, not against them.
A deep and strong friendship is important because it helps us feel whole. Deep friendships appreciate you for the person you are, lift you up when you’re down, and always support you through any and everything.
