The Reality Of How Pain Changes Us In Unexpected Ways

Pain changes us in ways that we could never anticipate or expect.

It’s almost as if there’s a line drawn in the sand, with one side marked ‘before pain’ and the other separated by ‘after pain’. The line in the middle, however, represents the transformation we experience because of the pain. Only time can reveal how long it takes us to cross that line. But it’s in the middle where we learn to truly sit with the hard parts, which inevitably change us from who we were before to who we are now because of what happened.

I can only think of a handful of times in my life when my pain was intertwined so deeply with grief that it felt like I could barely breathe. I used to think if we could see a glimpse of what we’re about to endure, that we would feel more prepared and somehow our feelings would lessen. But the truth is, nothing can ever prepare us for the way it impacts us.

Pain isn’t something that’s meant to be suppressed, it needs to be felt. You never realize how much it’s going to transform you, but one day when you look back, you’ll always see how pain changes you in ways you could never expect:

You Start To Outgrow The Person You Were

Sometimes, I think we would never change if situations in our lives didn’t force us to change. We cling to what’s comfortable because it’s easier to rely on what we’ve always known than to step into the uncertainty of something new.

Pain doesn’t give us a chance to rely on what’s familiar or comfortable. Our initial reaction is resistance, but it’s hard to feel what we refuse to face. At times, we might not even realize the transition or the person we’re becoming, because everything can become so consuming that it’s hard to see beyond how we feel.

Pain changes us by shedding layers of who we once were, allowing us to become who we’re meant to be. The old version of us simply starts not to exist anymore, and we quickly find that we’ll never be the same person we were before, but more often than not, we won’t want to be.

Outgrowing the person you once were might mean letting go of old habits, relationships, or anything that doesn’t align with how you feel. Rather than letting go altogether, you might let go slowly; realizing that what you’re holding onto only brings you more harm than good. Pain teaches us that it’s okay to let go of who we once were to step into who we’re meant to be, no matter the sacrifices we have to make along the way.

You Refuse To Tolerate Anything That You Aren’t Actually Okay With

How often do we agree to something that we aren’t actually okay with?

When we feel deep pain and grief, it changes the way we view situations, people, and the decisions we make. Pain becomes transformative because it gives us the power to stand up for how we truly feel—including refusing to tolerate anything that we aren’t actually okay with, regardless of what others think.

I can’t express how many times I’ve agreed to do something out of fear of disapproval, or worrying what somebody else might think of my decision if it didn’t align with what they wanted me to do. But I learned quickly that we are the only person that suffers when we base our decisions solely off based on what we think will satisfy somebody else.

Pain is a reminder that it’s okay to do what’s best according to your needs, emotions, and desires, living life by how you feel. It teaches us to make decisions without apologizing, set boundaries without explanation, and no longer tolerate anything that doesn’t make us feel good.

You start to feel empowered in a way that you never have before because you know the most important thing is advocating for your wants and needs, not for everyone else.

You’re Reminded That It’s Okay To Feel

We never want to sit with our pain. We often want to fast-forward, skipping the difficult parts because it feels easier to work around it than through it. And in many ways it is, but the only true way to handle pain is to feel it fully.

One constant lesson I’ve learned through the hardest times in my life is that it’s okay to feel. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate pain, but the longer we suppress it, the harder it becomes to handle.

Our emotions are meant to be lived, not avoided. We can’t numb how we feel by pretending like it doesn’t exist, because it’ll always eventually resurface if we aren’t digging to the root of why we feel the way we do.

Just like the line in the sand I referenced, we can’t jump from one side of the line to the other without crossing through it. Stepping through it means learning how to sit with our pain until we’ve felt every aspect of it. Whether that’s crying until we have no tears left, journaling until every last thought and feeling is released from our minds, or simply reminding ourselves that there’s no timeline for healing.

The only way out is through. It’s in the middle of our pain that we learn how to release it so we can start moving forward—even if it’s taking the smallest steps possible.

You Learn How To Move Forward, Not Move On

Pain can trick us into believing that we’ll never move on if we can’t heal completely. But it isn’t always about learning how to move on—it’s more about learning how to move forward.

I truly believe that everything in our lives has its timing and serves a purpose, even the hurt. The hardest part, though, is trying to comprehend the reasons behind it: why it’s happening and how long it’s acceptable to hold onto the way we feel.

We won’t always find the reasons right away, no matter how desperately we try to understand why our situation is the way it is. Pain alters who we were before, pushing us into who we’re becoming.

But through that, it teaches us to move forward, not how to move on. Pain never asks us to forget our experiences; instead, it shapes our perspective and reminds us that we aren’t meant to be the same person who we were before the pain we felt. It extends grace and gently lets us know that it’s okay to sit in the middle for as long as we need—and that when we struggle to try to make sense of our situation is doesn’t mean we’re stuck.

We should only move forward when we’re ready. When it comes to pain, we always want to push through to the other side. But feeling and accepting it, is the only way we can truly understand its depths, regardless of how long our healing process takes.