If there’s one thing I’ve learned about heartbreak, it’s that it changes you in ways you would never expect.
We never enter a relationship with the expectation that it’ll end someday. We date somebody because of shared interests, likes, dislikes, or simply because it makes sense. But breakups happen because people and situations change, and sometimes the relationships we thought were right for us, end up not working out how we initially imagined it would.
Navigating life after a breakup is never easy. However, learning how to cope with the loss and emptiness can start the healing process so that we can eventually move on. Here’s how to move on after a breakup without losing yourself:
Mourn What Was And What You Thought Would Be
We invest a lot of time in our relationships with others, especially when we envision it working out long-term.
When I reflect on my past heartbreaks, I often found myself replaying what happened over and over, rather than accepting what was lost and what might never be. I remained in the mourning stage, not realizing that I could simultaneously be sad for what I lost—yet still hold onto hope for what was to come.
People change, and sometimes with that comes situations that we didn’t expect to happen, including breakups. Rather than suppressing or ignoring all the emotions and feelings that come along with a breakup, lean into your feelings—no matter how uncomfortable or heavy they might feel.
We only delay the healing process after a breakup when we aren’t giving ourselves time to mourn what the relationship was and what we thought it would be. It’s okay to be sad about the relationship ending; it’s okay to be sad that if it didn’t live up to an expectation of how you pictured it; and it’s okay to take as much time as you need to soak in all your feelings until you’ve felt every single one of them.
Strength isn’t only found in moving on, it’s also found in learning how to let go. And sometimes that looks like being vulnerable about how you feel so you can start learning how to heal.
Rediscover Who You Are Again
When we’re deep in a relationship, it can be easy to lose sight of who we are outside of it, especially when we tie our worth to our relationship status. We might feel like we’re losing parts of ourselves when a relationship ends, because of the amount of time we invested and who we became when we were with that person. But one of the most crucial things we can do for ourselves after a breakup is to rediscover who we are, aside from the relationship.
While we typically associate endings in our lives with negative feelings, there’s also always light to be found. The best thing you can do after a breakup is engage in self-care, keep yourself busy, and rediscover the things that make you happy. Our minds tend to focus solely on what we’ve lost, rather than recognizing what we might gain in place of its absence.
In the moments I felt farthest from myself during a breakup, I knew how important it was to keep myself fulfilled by doing things that I loved. Whether that was spending time with the people who never made me feel anything less than loved or doing something I enjoyed, such as reading a book or running, to help keep my mind busy and distracted.
You might feel like you’re losing parts of yourself in a breakup, but know those feelings are temporary, and you will feel whole again one day. Your relationship status (whether single or not), never defines you; how you feel about yourself and your self-worth does. Your mental health and happiness should always come first, no matter what.
Set And Establish Boundaries
Something I used to deeply struggle with after a breakup was learning how to establish boundaries.
The hard reality is that we can never truly move on if we’re always trying to stay connected to our ex somehow, or if we keep replaying in our heads what happened or what we could’ve done differently.
Sometimes we try to convince ourselves that if we can make sense of a situation, or if we allow that door to be opened rather than establish a boundary—then maybe the situation will eventually resolve itself. But usually, no explanation or amount of time will ever be enough, because sometimes things aren’t meant to be like we hoped they would be.
When we refuse to set boundaries, or we keep the line of communication completely open, we’re essentially putting a band-aid on what happened. Inevitably, the band-aid will eventually fall off, and you’ll be right back where you were except with more time invested.
It’s hard to learn how to separate and establish those boundaries at first, even when you know that relationship is no longer right for you. Setting boundaries might look like cutting the communication altogether, which is especially difficult if you’re used to talking to that person every single day. A part of you might hope for that final conversation, but usually we’re better off without the closure we thought we needed.
While it’s hard for our hearts to accept what our minds already know, setting clear boundaries is crucial when trying to move on from a breakup. Cutting ties might feel hard at first, but know that every day it’ll get a little easier.
Remind Yourself Why It Ended
Our minds can become so fixated on what our relationship was that we romanticize it, often blocking out the bad parts or refusing to see it for what it was. I remember one of my past relationships ending abruptly. Although a part of me knew it had been headed that way for some time, I was devastated when it finally ended. Even when we know something isn’t right for us anymore, sometimes it’s hard accepting that we should move on.
Use what you learned from your previous relationship to help you figure out what you want from future relationships. Ask yourself important questions, such as:
- What did I like/dislike about the relationship?
- What are some things I wish could’ve changed?
- What did the relationship teach me about myself?
- What qualities are important to me in a future partner?
- What’s something that’s non-negotiable to me in a relationship?
Endings are truly beginnings in disguise. We may feel devastated or lost when a chapter closes that we aren’t ready to move on from, but it’s usually not until much later that we’ll see the bigger picture. Take what you learned from the past to guide you in future relationships. And know that if nothing else, the relationship helped you learn more about yourself that you might’ve never known otherwise.
Look At Mistakes As An Opportunity For Growth
One thing I repeatedly had a hard time forgiving myself for after a breakup was past mistakes and regrets about what happened.
When we only focus on what went wrong (especially if we feel like we were the reason for the breakup), then we’ll continually not feel good enough.
The mistakes and regrets that I felt like I could never move past at the time, are now the ones I’m most grateful for because they put me exactly where I am now. I know that if I hadn’t made the choices I did, then I wouldn’t be where I’m currently at—and I honestly can’t imagine my life otherwise.
We try to hold on tightly to all the good, but this only causes our brain to erase the bad. When I look back on past relationships and breakups, I can see now that my mind was always trying to convince me that the relationships were better than they actually were. I learned so much about myself in those deep moments of heartbreak and grief—it made me realize that even when my mistakes felt “wrong”, they ended up being some of the best choices I could’ve ever made in the end.
The only way to get over a breakup is through, and it’s in those moments of reflection and heartache that help us realize exactly who we are and who we want to be. Rather than holding onto regret, look at it as an opportunity to grow—helping you establish what you do and don’t want for your future. Even through our ‘mistakes’ and regrets, sometimes we realize that they were actually the best choices for us because they helped us grow to where we are now.
Remember That One Day It Won’t Hurt So Much
There are far worse feelings than the feeling of heartbreak after a breakup. I always loved the quote: “It’s amazing that the heart makes no noise when it cracks.” I remember multiple times physically feeling the heartache, wondering how I would ever simply move past where I was.
Sometimes when we’re given advice, we might hear the words but not absorb them, especially if it’s not what we want to hear. For 23-year-old me, it didn’t matter what anybody said to me, because the heartbreak I felt completely took over any type of reasoning. But here’s the truth I’ve learned about breakups and heartbreak: One day it won’t hurt so much, and one day you will find love again.
Our brains try to convince us otherwise, like we’ll never be able to move on or that it’ll always hurt, especially if we feel undeserving of that love or happiness that we desire.
I remained stuck where I was for a long time because rather than confronting the truths about myself that I didn’t know how to face, I buried them. I didn’t know how to heal because I wasn’t willing to let go of the past, I convinced myself that I deserved where I was.
But the truth is that there’s so much love and happiness to be felt, regardless of what happened. Even if not with the person that we pictured ourselves being with, but the person that we’re meant to be with.
Moving past a breakup takes time, and what’s most important is figuring out what works best for you in learning how to heal. Know that you’re stronger than you feel, and one day you will be more than okay. Just because it hurts now, doesn’t mean that it’ll hurt forever.
